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A psychologically strong and self-confident person. Who is he?

 A psychologically strong and self-confident person. Who is he?

A psychologically strong and self-confident person.  Who is he?

Can you call yourself a psychologically strong person? I think this question is difficult to answer right away for the reason that the concept of "psychologically strong personality" is not transparent enough. Each person has a number of associations in connection with this concept: confidence, calmness, self-sufficiency and independence, strong will, emotional balance, the ability to withstand stressful situations, self-control, the ability to choose the optimal solution in a difficult moment. Indeed, all these qualities are different facets of a psychologically strong personality, and this concept itself is composite, i.e. consisting of a palette of these worthy qualities of character. Of course, everyone would like to have all of these qualities. Moreover, we always, willingly or unwillingly, evaluate people by these parameters,

A psychologically strong and self-confident person easily makes a favorable impression, he is respected, his approval and friendship are sought, his personal rank is high, he is the first to be promoted up the career ladder. Having good confidence and inner strength is in itself a magical means of effectively influencing those around you. People feel strength and avoid entering into conflicts with such a person, do not dare to encroach on his interests, and even often give up their interests "without a fight."

However, I will not sin against the truth if I say that there are no 100% confident people everywhere. On occasion, I conducted polls and asked strong, self-controlled people, leaders by nature, with whom I happened to communicate, how do they feel at important moments in their lives, before meeting with significant people or in front of the public in moments of general attention? And they all admitted that they almost always worry and even experience an inner tremor before this. At first it was a complete revelation for me, after a while I began to guess their answer.

I will cite a well-known historical fact. The French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, the conqueror of Europe, an outstanding personality and a strong-minded man, who, with his name alone, brought delight to friends and horror to enemies - and he once fainted from fear when he had to speak to his army with a welcoming speech.

Any person is familiar with the feeling of self-doubt, fear of another person or situation. Where does it come from in us? This state of indecision and uncertainty could still be understood if our life, the fate of loved ones depended on us every day, if we would decide every day “to be or not to be,” or if we would bear the burden of inordinate responsibility before humanity. But in everyday life? When meeting other people, at work and socializing? I think everyone will easily remember a whole set of situations when a slight chill appeared in the chest, an unpleasant "scratching" in the soul, knees began to tremble, palms sweat, and the voice trembled and betrayed our excitement and uncertainty with our heads.

In any more or less significant situation, doubts, indecision and lack of confidence prevent us from doing what we are capable of and would easily have done if it were not for these "enemies" of ours. Remember how you regretted that you were embarrassed and did not make a decent impression on your boss when hiring or talking about raising wages. Or they failed to defend their dignity and rebuff the aggressor, although there were all chances to do so.

Were there situations when in the company you did not dare to draw attention to yourself and make a pre-prepared toast at a celebration or other speech? Or were you at a loss when a very interesting and attractive person of the opposite sex spoke to you, and did not manage to shine with your inherent intelligence and erudition? Or maybe you didn't even dare to approach this person? All these are syndromes of weakness and self-doubt, to one degree or another inherent in every person.

Let's look at a number of tools and techniques for maintaining self-esteem and making the best impression on people in difficult life situations.

Let us first figure out what is the psychological mechanism of inner weakness and uncertainty? Why does this often manifest itself in people, in public, in front of an audience, or even in front of one person? We need to understand this, firstly, in order to better know, imagine, reflect (see from the outside) our own psychological motives and mechanisms, and, therefore, get the opportunity to influence these mechanisms with our will, and not only go with them on about. And secondly, to better know the motives of other people's behavior.

In psychology, there is a concept - "self-esteem". That is, how a person evaluates himself in any particular area. Everyone, at least approximately, can give himself a grade for any quality or skill. For example, self-rated attractiveness. Or sexuality. Or professionalism. Or self-assessment of intellectual ability. The sum of such self-assessments is integral self-assessment, or, in other words, self-respect for oneself as a person as a whole.

Self-esteem can be high - then the person looks strong and confident. Self-esteem can be low - then the person looks weak and insecure. It can be overstated - then the owner of it is perceived by us as a self-confident person. Those. too confident for no good reason. Self-esteem can be underestimated - then we see that a person clearly underestimates himself, and deserves more self-esteem. Self-esteem is fickle throughout life. The peculiarity of self-esteem is that it depends on the opinions and assessments of other people in our person. If it depends strongly on the opinions of others, then self-esteem can be called dependent or unstable. If not very strong, a person's self-esteem is independent (as a whole) and stable.

The psychological comfort of the individual depends on the level of self-esteem. Any person has a need to feel no worse, or even better than their own kind. The need to evaluate and receive confirmation that he is an equal among equals, and in some ways is superior to other people. Earn respect and nurture your own dignity. This is a mechanism for obtaining psychological comfort. If self-esteem grows as a result of praise, the person experiences mental comfort and satisfaction. If a person's self-esteem decreases under the influence of a negative assessment of another, it scratches, causes an uncomfortable state of mind. The dependence of self-esteem on evaluations is well illustrated by the following metaphor.

Imagine a glass of water - this is the unstable self-esteem of an insecure person. If you add another person's assessment - a cup of water - there will be a "storm in a glass of water." The glass will overflow the banks and flood the surrounding area. A person with a dependent unstable self-esteem will experience confusion or, conversely, a strong emotional upsurge, depending on what sign he received.

This dependence is very clearly seen when a person is just being formed as a person - in adolescence and adolescence. His self-esteem is unstable and underestimated, or, they say, "immature", unformed. At a young age, a person has not yet had time to assert himself in the world of people completely and therefore for him any assessment is super significant. What a struggle is going on for self-affirmation, for your rank among peers and significant adults! In what ways is the approval of reputable friends and girlfriends not obtained! How joyfully any success and praise from the outside is experienced! And how mentally painful it is even for a minor defeat and any criticism, no matter how fair!

Telling your teen that he has a stupid pimple on his nose will be a reason for him not to show from home for a week. And ridicule and rejection of him in the company - the cause of depression and even suicide. Adults are already forgetting these passions and torments, but in vain is the key to understanding the driving forces and inner world of a teenager and a young person.

The ability of a person's self-esteem not to decline under the influence of negativity from others is a true test of the psychological strength of a person. One of the most famous football goalkeepers of the 50s, when throwing the ball into the field with his hand, accidentally threw it into his own goal. After that, he could no longer play. Another well-known goalkeeper of our 90s national team (experts know) could not keep the ball in his hands after serving into the goalkeeper's area in the most important match and missed an offensive goal, which crossed out all the long-term work of the team. The professional level of this goalkeeper has dropped dramatically. Why is this happening? After all, the skills of these goalkeepers have not diminished? The reason is that under the influence of powerful condemnation (both real and imaginary) of partners and fans, self-esteem and self-confidence fell sharply - and for a goalkeeper this is one of the main qualities.

Another illustration of the influence of the assessments of others on our self-esteem is from the "Cases" by Daniil Kharms ("How unexpected news shields people who are unprepared for it"):

- I am a writer!
- And in my opinion, you are g ... oh!
The writer stands for a few minutes, shocked by this new idea, and falls dead. They take him out.
- I am an artist!
- And in my opinion, you g ... oh!
The artist sways and dies unexpectedly, collapsing to the floor. They take him out.
- I am a composer!
- And in my opinion, you are g ... oh!
The composer breathes heavily and sits down on the floor. They take him out.

Kharms, of course, exaggerates, but not by much. Let us sympathize with the hard lot of people in the arts and continue. Now imagine not a glass, but a barrel of water. This is a model of stable self-esteem of a truly self-confident person, with a stable, or they say, “mature” self-esteem, a person who is self-asserted and self-sufficient. If you pour a cup of water into this barrel, the water level in the barrel will not change much. This change may exist, but without special devices, "by eye" it will not even be noticed. And it doesn't matter whether the assessment was positive or negative - they praised him now or scolded him. Maybe we will see ripples on the surface of this barrel, but nothing more.

However, there are no people with an absolutely stable and impervious to other opinions, self-esteem, even if this person is mature, experienced and solid. You know for yourself - no matter how we say that we do not care what they say about us - this is slyness. We often strive to hear, find out what they think, say and how other people evaluate us, what impression do we make on them? Because the opinion of other people is important to us. We want to win the trust of people, their love, their respect - this is an inalienable desire, a need for any human person. We want to know what we liked, made the impression that we were positively assessed. We are simultaneously looking for this assessment and are afraid of it, because we understand that we may stumble upon something that we would not like to hear.

And more often, just, we hear about ourselves not rave reviews, but jokes, remarks, negative assessments. Yes Yes! According to statistics - more often than positive. Can you guess why? Because making a remark and scolding another person is much more pleasant for many than praising. After all, when you notice any flaw in another person, you simultaneously tell yourself that I am already devoid of this flaw. And if not, then even more so - I'm not the only one. And you slightly rise in your own eyes, "warm" your own self-esteem, and at least a little, but assert yourself at the expense of another person. Thus, despite our search for approval and positive assessments, we often come across comments and negative assessments of ourselves, our personality, our actions.

So, there are no people who do not feel anxiety and insecurity. But there are people who are good at demonstrating self-confidence and self-control, like V.V. Zhirinovsky, whose impenetrable self-confidence brought him to the heights of political power. How can you still be stronger and more confident in the face of difficult situations and significant people? There are two aspects to this.

The first is to be.
The second is to seem.

The opposition of the first and the second suggests itself. I would like to exclaim pathetically: "We must be, and not seem!" But do not rush - these are very interrelated concepts. One thing strongly influences the other. Let me explain.

If you learn to be confident and strong, then inevitably you start to seem so. Oddly enough, the opposite is also true: if you learn to seem like that, it helps to feel a sense of strength and confidence within yourself. The internal helps to correct the external and vice versa, the external “pulls out” the internal.

You may ask, how can an external confident appearance affect the internal state, these are different things !? Affects. Physiological mechanisms are at work, striving to equate one with the other. And if, due to willpower and self-control of the body, you maintain a decent appearance, these physiological mechanisms have nothing to do but influence the internal state. Try this experiment. Sit hunched over, head bent, arms dangling limply and try to say:

- I am a very strong and self-confident person ...!

Nothing will come of it. By your inner sensation and fake voice, you will feel that you are lying! The body has already given birth to a corresponding state - fatigue, exhaustion and weakness. Now do the opposite. Stand up straight to your full height, proudly straighten your shoulders, raise your head higher, push your chest forward, inhale powerfully and say:

- I am very weak, small and insecure ...

Again, nothing will come of it. The weak do not speak like that. And if it works, then you are already standing in a completely different position.

How do people understand, read and interpret our condition for themselves? On the  basis of external signs of confidence and self-doubt. More specifically:

Body and movement

A tense body leads to bodily lack of freedom and stiffness. The tense muscles in the body send signals through the nerve endings to the corresponding nerve centers in the brain, which, in turn, send tension signals back to the muscles. As a result, stiffness looks like one of the signs of insecurity and awkwardness. A self-confident person is liberated and natural in movements, in contrast to an uncertain person who is afraid of movement, stands like a statue or repeats the same memorized gestures. In such a person, fear is felt - God forbid me to attract even more attention of others than I already have.

Therefore, it is very important to learn how to relax your body and release unnecessary tensions and clamps. To do this, just with your mind's eye from time to time scan your body, relax everything that can be relaxed, so as not to fall. Plus, it helps to relieve muscle tension a few deep breaths and exhalations.


Erect posture is interpreted by people as a sign of a self-confident person, stooping is a sign of an insecure person. A stooped person with his posture seems to “inform” others: “I am embarrassed in front of you, and I actually now want to shrink and hide, you will excuse me for taking your attention here.” Therefore, it is necessary to make it a rule to live with a "regal bearing", and not even necessarily in front of the public - then it will become a good habit. To do this, while walking or standing, teach yourself to "hang" on a string, like a puppet, by the back of your head, rushing your whole body up.

You should not overexert yourself in this impulse - it should not look unnatural. Shoulders, so as not to slouch, "put on" on "shoulders" like a jacket - up and back - and leave them in this position. At first, the body will return to its usual norm, but regularly remember about the correct posture and form these new habits in yourself, and then old habits will be repressed.

Head and face

Do you notice your head position and facial expression? Probably only when you look in the mirror and habitually smile at your image. The rest of the time, a person usually has poor control over himself. As a result, most of the generally friendly people seem gloomy.

Experiment outdoors. Approach with a request to explain the way to absolutely gloomy and unsmiling passers-by. At the same time, show a slight confusion by pretending that you are completely lost in an unfamiliar place. I am sure that almost all of them will show sympathy and sympathy for you. Appearances are deceptive.

In order to make a confident impression, form an optimal basic position and expression for yourself. The head is slightly raised, and a benevolent, smiling or ready-to-smile facial expression tells people "I am good, you are good." Or, for fans of Americanisms: "I'm O Kay, You're O Kay." This, of course, disposes to any person, increases confidence.

Options are possible: just a calm, dispassionate, expressionless face, or even a somewhat aggressive one also speaks of the owner's confidence, however, such an expression will most likely not contribute to a benevolent attitude. Although in some cases this is suitable when the situation does not imply smiling participants (for example). Or if it is important to instill respect based on a slight fear of you.

For example, if you came to extricate debt from a malicious defaulter.

Stiffness can also manifest itself in turning the head. If a person, instead of turning his head, squints his eyes to look to the side, this is perceived by others as internal tension.


An interrupted, stifled, too quiet voice with timid intonations immediately betrays a person's uncertainty. Therefore, at least a second before you open your mouth, imagine what and with what voice, with what force, intonation, emotional content you want to say, and then you will be more insured against treacherous "cocks" in your speech. In addition, a lower voice pitch produces a more confident impression on the interlocutor.

Compare the voice of General Lebed and the chess player Anatoly Karpov. With all due respect to the people mentioned, the words of the owners of a low timbre will look more impressive (if I can say so about the voice).

Although everyone's natural capabilities are different, train yourself to speak not with your throat anymore, but to give birth to sound from the center of your chest. Look for the "chest" notes in yourself - then the timbre of the voice will acquire a lower color. Subjectively, there will be a feeling that you sound like your chest.


If you speak quickly, hastily “shooting” words, know that you will be perceived as a person of insecurity. Since the listener will have the feeling that you want to quickly finish, get rid of, torture yourself and run away, finally. In other words, hasty speech makes a lightweight impression. Of course, if you are reading phrases terribly slowly, with difficulty finding words, like a tourist who has just learned four points from a phrasebook, it will simply be physically difficult to listen to you. The optimal speech rate is from 100 to 150 words per minute.


Let us pay special attention to the look. You've probably noticed that eye contact sometimes causes a little awkwardness between people? The same assessment and self-assessment mechanism works. A person feels that he is being assessed - and is being assessed right at this very second, and even so, this assessment takes place so indirectly! And he cannot stand this situation, this psychological stress and looks away. Especially if the situation is clearly tense or conflict. When the other clearly hates you, then it is often simply impossible to withstand the destructive, “smearing” look of this person.

This fear of direct gaze is inherently biological in nature. In the animal kingdom, gaze had two meanings. The first is aggression and challenge, for example, two males measuring their mutual strength, their mutual rank. And, secondly, sexual attraction: male and female, when the gaze performed a preliminary and qualifying function for sexual games. In humans, these meanings, aggression and attraction, have also been preserved, but due to the finer organization of the mental world, many more shades and semitones have been added.

Interesting Facts. Cats can sit opposite for hours and stare attentively into each other's eyes, sometimes howling menacingly - until one of them retreats or until they grapple in a fight for the right to own the garbage can. Rats also sort things out in the same way, although they do not howl and do not fight, but their case sometimes ends in death - one of the rats dies from overexertion and exhaustion. It is known that with your gaze you can keep aggressively behaving geese in place (you need to look at the leader), a dog trying to attack you (except for fighting breeds, which cannot be stopped by anything).

By the way, the best way to get rid of a barking annoying dog is to do a sharp squat, pretending that you are grabbing a stone from the ground. Any dog ​​from childhood knows this gesture well. But in places where gorillas are concentrated, the only way to survive is to freeze and in no case look the males in the eyes, otherwise you will have to endure a duel for the right to own a harem.

For an attentive person, the eyes of his interlocutor can say a lot. If the interlocutor hides his gaze, this also betrays his insecurity in front of people and fear of the situation, since this is actually a variant of leaving, escaping from the attention of other people. By hiding your gaze, you, unwittingly, inform others that you are uncomfortable looking into people's eyes. And this will again be interpreted as your weakness and insecurity. A look, even if it is in the eyes, but fussy and running will create the impression that you cannot calmly withstand the eyes of another for a long time and also spoils the opinion of you.

Therefore, the gaze should be fixed on the faces of the listeners, if there are several of them, for at least 3-4 seconds. It is not necessary to fix the gaze exactly in the eyes, but rather on the faces - since the eye-to-eye contact is energetically very charged and can greatly distract oneself from the topic. Therefore, if the distance is more than two meters, it is better to look at the points of the listener's face, that is, alternately at the nose, forehead, eyebrows, lips, chin, along the contour of the head. And this will be perceived, due to the effect of hiding by distance, as a gaze all the same directly into the eyes, which is what is required.

If you have a one-on-one conversation, then the so-called "triangles" will help to better control your gaze, along which your gaze can move, slowly, alternately by three points.

  1.  Business triangle: for people with whom you are in business relations (and social roles), points - an eye, another eye, a nose (or lips), and again an eye, an eye, a nose, etc.
  2.  Friendship (or secular) triangle: For people with whom you are on friendly terms or friends. Here you already allow (since a friend, after all) a wider gaze coverage area - eyes, eyes, a button on the chest.
  3.  An intimate triangle is for people with whom you are in an intimate relationship or pretend to be personal. This will already turn out to be a slightly frivolous triangle: an eye, another eye, genital area - and again an eye.

If your gaze in a conversation with a person will be for a long time, without movement, concentrated on one point of his face - the pupil, eyebrow, bridge of the nose, "third eye" - he (gaze) will be perceived as heavy, hypnotic, or even aggressive. If your task is to demonstrate your strength, use it - often with a firm gaze you can stop even a puny and an impudent person, no matter how strange it may seem to you.

Also, you can not show weakness and avert your eyes from the boss. Even when he scolds you. You risk losing the remnants of his respect. Use the "business triangle" and you will be known as a courageous person.

At trainings, I give a useful exercise for training a non-running, calm, confident look. Exercise codenamed "Gaze in the Metro".

Or in any other transport or place - the main thing is that with a stranger.

You've probably noticed that people sitting opposite each other on the subway often secretly look at each other? At the same time, if their gazes accidentally collide, then the eyes, as a rule, instantly "jump" to the side: they are suddenly "interested" in advertising on the walls of the carriage or something else very "important", such as the laces of the shoes of the person opposite. This is understandable: it is not very customary for us to look at a person, especially a stranger, for nothing, and, of course, meeting with the eyes causes mutual awkwardness.

By the way: in contrast to Russia, in Europe people can meet with open interested eyes much more freely and start a fleeting conversation or even a long acquaintance in this way. And they don't feel any awkwardness. This is a sign of greater inner freedom and self-respect than ours. The reason is that Western culture and upbringing are built on the value of respect for a person's personality, in contrast to the communist culture and upbringing system prevailing in Russia until recently, which believed that there are much more important values.

So, the essence of the exercise: "Look in the subway." Make it a rule, when you meet your eyes in a subway car, not to jump immediately to the side, but calmly accept the look of another person, and even look for such an opportunity. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to look with a challenge, you can look kindly and with interest. Blinking during eye contact is not prohibited - this is a physiological reaction, but smiling, that is, actually trying to earn a good mark of it, is not worth it. Exercise is not about that.

I must say right away that in reality it will not be easy to find a person who is ready to be in eye contact for more than one second. But a second will be enough - even if not you, but he is the first to look away. If you're lucky, and you meet a person who is ready for longer eye contact - great, you're in luck - check and train your gaze, psychological confidence and stability. When your partner has already averted his eyes, you can count yourself a "plus" and let him go to rest.

If you continue to train, it is possible that he will feel more discomfort, worry, and even leave the car at the first opportunity. Therefore, let him still get home. Allow yourself and yourself sometime to lose if your partner is stronger than you in gaze. You also need to be able to play with dignity - calmly and without guilt or your own weakness. It's just a game - like life - and you don't have to win all the time.

If you feel like you can't stand the gaze, remember that you don't have to look directly into the eyes. It is enough to select any point on the face (eyebrow, lips, nose, forehead, ear) - at this distance (we have already said), the accuracy of the gaze is hidden. This exercise is done until it becomes completely easy and relaxed for you to look strangers in the eyes, and you even learn how to enjoy it.

Could this exercise be in trouble? They can. As well as from life in general. Therefore, follow the safety rules - when you do not need to practice this exercise:

  1.   If the time is already more than nine o'clock in the evening, and you have plans to get to your home, and not the home of your fellow traveler. Or if you are almost alone in the carriage with the person opposite, it may be perceived by him in about the same way.
  2.  If there is a law enforcement officer opposite you, and you do not have documents with you or there is a bomb in your bag.
  3.   If, on the other hand, the person is not completely sober, or mentally unhealthy, or quite elderly (unfortunately, I have to put the elderly in this row).
  4.  If there is a guest in front of you from the hot Caucasian mountains - there are their own "views on views". Moreover, these ideas are closer to the directness of the biological world, and your gaze can overexcite the guest. In this case, you run the risk of getting instead of this exercise another, stronger one: a showdown on the topic "What is it so staring !?"

In all other cases, this exercise is safe. As a last resort, they want to get acquainted, in this case, act according to the circumstances. If you like a person - get acquainted. Not really - find some reason that does not hurt his pride.

For example, explain to him correctly that you also like him, but you have other plans. Or use a ready-made "skip" to justify the action taking place. Tell him that you looked at him because he looks like your late brother. Or a classmate who is still alive. Or you just don't see well and think about your own, stupidly looking in front of you. Finally, we can honestly admit that you did the exercise that the eccentric training leader asked. The person will receive an explanation for these oddities and calm down.

An interesting case in connection with this exercise was told by the girl Marina, one of the participants in the training. She rode in a half-empty subway car and at first did not even think to do any exercises, especially since it was already late evening. She was just reading a book. Suddenly, two cheeky young people sat down opposite her and began to quite unceremoniously and loudly discuss her merits and demerits, laughing and nudging each other with their elbows.

In short, the guys were in that merry swagger, when all the seas are knee-deep, and all the girls are yours. Marina, naturally, tensed, and although she continued to pretend that she was reading a book, she did not feel very comfortable. This continued for several stops, and the guys did not subside, but on the contrary, behaved more and more unceremoniously. And since Marina did not know what to do in this situation, she decided: I will do the “unbreakable gaze” exercise.

Marina internally gathered herself, tuned in, defiantly closed the book, put it in her purse, looked up and began to calmly and openly look at the guys. What started here ... she herself did not expect such an effect. Smiles gradually disappeared from the faces of friends, the laughter died down, they stopped pushing each other, the topic of Marina's feminine merits somehow faded away, and the guys obviously felt constrained and completely out of place. Marina continued to watch in silence - and after two stops the guys in a hurry left the car, pretending that it was time for them to get out.

You can rightly point out:

- Well, how can it be! After all, this exercise can be unpleasant for other people, why bother them !?

Yes, indeed, even your stay in a subway car can cause inconvenience to someone - there is not enough space. However, "you have to be clean, but not squeamish." And the benefit to you from this exercise overcomes the slight awkwardness that this exercise can give to others.

Another curious episode from the practice of one of the training participants, Svetlana. On the subway, she met an extremely disdainful gaze of a young man with a shabby appearance. He was sitting opposite, with a bottle of beer, in a washed, unbuttoned shirt. This puny-looking young man impudently and disdainfully examined her figure with his undressing glance, without even trying to hide it. And then Lisa came up with a new exercise. In response, she directed about the same, impudent and evaluative look - at his fly ... The young man was enough for two minutes. Gradually, it became covered with red spots and jumped out not at its stop.

There is also a secret of how to withstand any, even the most difficult gaze. Use the "cage" technique. How does it stand for? We already know that we are embarrassed and embarrassed because we are too preoccupied with ourselves, because of the increased attention at this moment to our person, that we are "knocked out" by the assessment of another person. And then - it is necessary to re-shape your attention so as not to allow others to evaluate us within yourself.

Imagine that you come to the zoo, and suddenly you find yourself in a cage - and people (or, God forbid, monkeys) walk along your cage and examine you, eat ice cream, laugh, read the signs, point the finger. After all, you have to justify their expectations, like it, show them something interesting, run, jump, curl, they paid the money for the entrance. What if I can’t do this, suddenly I don’t like it, and they will stop feeding me for that ... An uncomfortable situation, isn’t it? But why do you in life often feel yourself in front of others as in a cage? It is better to mentally place them in this cage! And then you will already observe their life, habits and methods of reproduction, and not them.

And your attention will no longer be directed to how you are being evaluated (and then automatically you will feel psychological discomfort and stiffness), but to evaluating these mon ..., excuse me, people yourself. And then you will feel much more free and comfortable. In other words, you shift the focus of attention away from yourself - to the person you are considering. And you watch him, think about him:

- Here's an interesting face ...
- And what color is his eyes ...?
- Where is he going ...?
- And what does he work for?
- Probably, life is not easy for him ...?
- I wonder who he works for ...?
- And what about his personal life ...?
- Wow, he is embarrassed for some reason ...?

As a result, if you honestly think about him all this time, try to feel what he feels, tune in to this person, your attention is 100% busy with business. And then it is not preoccupied with the thought that something is wrong with you. I can't say that managing your attention is very simple. But this is real, even without much training. And with training, you can achieve very good results in controlling your attention and, therefore, yourself and your behavior.

This technique - "Cage" or, in fact, a shift in the focus of attention, can be used in any other situations when it is important for you to make a decent and confident impression in public, in the boss's office, when meeting and communicating with new people. However, in this case, attention must be distributed between him and himself. Let most of your attention be occupied by your interest in another person, and the lesser part from time to time to a quick mental "scan" and light correction of your body, behavior, face, voice - is everything all right? The “scan” image helps to better understand how to distribute in this case your attention in time: OH, OH, OH - I (body, eyes, voice) and again OH, OH, OH ...

It is very important to learn at the same time to speak with a person and keep eye contact with him. And this is not easy also because the eyes of another, sometimes, draw attention to themselves and interfere with concentrating on thoughts and speech. Still, eye contact is essential if you expect to make a decent, strong and confident impression. Compare the impression of a person who looks into your eyes and the impression of a person whose eyes avoid meeting yours, even though he is next to you, talking, listening and talking. And he constantly looks past you, at the wall. Or down to your desk. Or above you, on a picture or wallpaper. 

With such a person, personal psychological contact is difficult, since the eyes, as you know, are the “mirror of the soul”. You realize that you either feel awkward (which is most likely), or pretend not to notice you (which is strange for a person with whom you have not yet had time to ruin your relationship).

If you master the ability to keep constant non-fleeing eye contact with the interlocutor, then you will be invulnerable even in front of NLP experts, who can read by the movement of their eyes - whether you are fantasizing when answering a question or telling the truth.

Exercise "Poems with a partner" to master the ability to maintain eye contact and speak at the same time. Done together with a friend. Position yourself opposite each other at a distance of about half a meter, establish eye contact and read alternately one line of poetry: line he, line you. Any poetry: "Near the curvaceous sea ...", "Once in a cold winter time ...", "A Christmas tree was born in the forest ...". Moreover, the poems should be different - "you have your own wedding, he has his own." Lost - we start over and so many times. The main thing is to make it easy to do everything at the same time - to keep eye contact, speak your text, immediately listen and hear its text, remember and not stray from your text.

Eye color

With just one glance, you can attract and firmly "hook" a person! If, looking at a person, you honestly imagine that this is your loved one, look as if you are facing a beloved / beloved - then something will appear in your gaze that will make your partner (partner) become interested in you and even feel an inexplicable desire to get closer. In another way, this technique can be called "If I loved you ...".

There is another effective modification of this technique that allows any woman / man to be extremely intrigued. Looking directly into the eyes of the subject must be reminded of something sexually arousing. It is advisable to mentally substitute your momentary counterpart in place of the object of desire, put it in your picture, and slightly fantasize about sex with him. Then the power of erotic attraction will inevitably appear in your gaze.

Those who know this technique claim that no object has yet resisted this secret weapon. At the very least, this generates a reciprocal interest. How to use it further is up to you.

If this technique is too frivolous for you, there is a completely simple method. Placing your partner in a "cage" and looking at his face, mentally try on:

- Where to kiss ...? Maybe in the cheek ... No, in the neck ... However, in the lips ...

If you do all this honestly, your gaze will acquire an erotic flavor and will surely "hook" another person. And, on the contrary, with a look you can alienate a person so much that he forgets the way to you - if, of course, he deserves it and this is in your interests. To do this, it is enough, looking at his face, mentally trying on:

- Where to stick? Maybe in the jaw ...? Or is it better straight on the forehead ...? No, perhaps in the ear ...

And then the aggressive energy, which is inevitably born in you, through the look will affect the opponent. Your gaze will be perceived as "heavy", repulsive, uncomfortable for a person. And, most likely, he would prefer not to mess with you.

An even stronger effect will be if, during eye contact, you mentally hate him, tune in to the "I do not like" state and say something like this internal monologue:

- I hate! Beast! You ruined my whole life. Get out, moron! You bastard. Freak. You fool.

By themselves, these words carry a powerful aggressive charge. If you yourself are not afraid of this aggressive force, such a powerful repulsive effect will appear in your gaze that freedom from this person is guaranteed to you.

Zero score

In acting, it is customary to reveal confident and dignified behavior through the concept of “zero grade”. We are all a little actors in life, so this concept is very useful to us. First, what is the stage of "evaluation" for the actors. This is any reaction to some signal or stimulus: to words, actions of a partner on the stage, a new situation, etc. Evaluation is an emotion issued by an actor, a word, a facial expression, a gesture, a movement, a response on the principle of "stimulus-response": press the button, get the result. Assessing an actor is a way of presenting your role, your character. For example, on the news that the enemy crossed the border:

- The French have declared war on us, your majesty!

The actor playing the role of the king can choose from several possible assessments - reactions, depending on the nature of his character. If he betrayed fear or fear, the viewer understands that the king is weak. If the actor betrays laughter, the viewer sees a different character: maybe this is the triumph of a warrior, courage, maybe this is bravado, maybe the closeness and stupidity of this king. If the king (actor) gives the rating "anger", the viewer will see the hot temper, incontinence and erraticness of this character. Evaluation can also be provided by changing something in the behavior of the actor.

For example, if the king, during this fateful news, cleaned the crown, and slightly slowed down his movements, this is also an assessment. If the assessment of the king is strange or completely ridiculous (mockery, fainting, female antics), you may have ended up in a comedy or an innovative performance.

There is a special kind of actor's assessment: "zero grade". This is the complete absence of any response to a stimulus or stimulus. That is, absolute equanimity, a stony expression on his face, no change in behavior and a hint that something has happened now. That is, the actor makes the audience understand with a “zero grade”:

- And for me there is no irritant, for me it does not mean anything, it does not hurt me or hurt me ...

In our example, if the king gives a “zero grade” and complete equanimity to the news of the war, in these seconds he looks like a king strong, wise, confident and calculating at the head of a powerful state.

Thus, the actors play any strong personality with the “zero score” technique, and, what is typical, such a superman is the easiest to play because he is played only and only by this acting technique. Think of any superman, from Stirlitz to Schwarzenegger and Bodrov Jr. Do you remember in their characters at least some kind of human emotion expressed throughout the film: laughter, smile, sadness, anger, indignation, joy, grief, surprise, irritation? Especially fear, fear, shyness? There are absolutely no emotions! If these assessments, reactions, emotions manifested themselves, it would no longer be a superman, but some other character.

Soviet intelligence officer Stirlitz in the famous film only once in all seventeen moments wept sentimentally in his house during the lonely celebration of Soviet Army Day on February 23 - over half-forgotten boiled potatoes "in their uniforms." And the scene of a long distance date with his wife in a cafe is a demonstration of the possession of "zero grade."

In the action movie "Terminator-2" there is an episode when Schwarzenegger, playing a robot sent to help "our", goes to meet the shots of the police, who are stupidly doing their duty. A close-up camera shows how bullets hit him in the chest and pierce his clothes, but Arnold, with a completely stone expression on his face, only slightly flinches from the impulse of the bullet and continues his leisurely movement forward. And what does the viewer understand? The viewer realizes that when the Terminator, with his "brick" face, reaches where he is going, these unfortunate policemen will get nuts in full. Only "zero score" is played here. If this character from being hit by bullets would grimace in pain, scared, indignant, surprised, laughing, scratching - it would no longer be a superman, but a parody of superman and an action movie.

You might argue if you remember the funny karate fighter Jackie Chan from Hong Kong action movies: is he a "superman"? But no. Jackie Chan - out of the fight - does not give the impression of a superman: he has ordinary human emotions: fear, joy, irritation, indignation, anger. Therefore, until the enemies get it through, they are not afraid of him, and the viewer laughs at him. And no one perceives him as something serious until Jackie starts bludgeoning bad boys - only then his enemies (and the audience with them) see him as a superman. In this image of the hero Jackie Chang has its own plan - after all, comedies are built on absurdities and paradoxes. The directorial highlight of Jackie Chan's comedies lies in the discrepancy between his image of an ordinary person and the image of a superman-karateka.

The honor guard of the sentries on Red Square, near the Leader's Mausoleum, was well-versed in the technique of "zero grade". Try to stand for the whole hour, absolutely unperturbed, not allowing the slightest visible reactions and even practically without moving your eyes. The author of these lines observed a similar guard of honor in Athens at the war memorial in the central square of the city. Moreover, the sentries appear in ancient military Greek clothes: white trousers, a short skirt, boots with white fluffy pumpers, and a long patch braid. This is a wildly funny sight that attracts crowds of tourists. To the credit of the Greek sentries, they keep complete equanimity, even when tourists come close to them for joint photographing and flirting.

The technique of "zero grade" can be perfectly used in difficult life situations. When you don’t know how to react, do “zero grade”. Know that at this point you are perceived by your opponent as a confident and strong person. Imagine that you are "run over". If you explode, or dull your gaze, or smile humiliatingly, or even just start scratching your nose in confusion - all this tells the aggressor that he has achieved what he wanted. Do you already guess what he wanted? That's right, confirmation that his words hurt you - this is the result he is looking for. If the expected reaction did not follow, but complete equanimity followed - by this you inform him: "you are weak to hurt me."

This is an optimal and win-win initial response, giving you an immediate advantage. As a rule, the actors' "stage of evaluation" is followed by the "stage of action". In this second - another, when you make a "zero estimate" you have the opportunity to choose this subsequent action. And then variants of a worthy and strong answer are already possible. Which? This is a big topic, so let's leave it for later.

Another example. You made the mistake of speaking in front of a large audience. What is an impulsive common reaction? Embarrassment. Apology. An attempt at justification. As a result, your rank as a strong and confident person drops. If this is not just a slip of the tongue, but something more terrifying? Well, the fly is unbuttoned or the tights have parted in a conspicuous place - then the usual uncontrollable reaction is redness to the roots of the hair or even complete confusion in front of everyone.

The best thing to do to maintain dignity in the eyes of other people is, again, to give a zero grade. And by this you let the public know that you are strong enough to be hurt by such trifles and immediately proceed to the action stage - for example, quietly buttoning up your fly or slowly leaving to change tights. Or maybe, even without these conventions, you continue your lecture. Joke.

By the way, it is interesting to watch the reaction of TV announcers when they are wrong. And the responsibility on them is rather big during the live broadcast - they are seen by millions of TV viewers. It is the speaker's reaction to a mistake that says a lot about his experience and professionalism.

To train the "zero score" technique, you can use the already known exercise "Look in the subway". And also the exercise "Calm listening to anecdote." It consists in not laughing at an anecdote or a joke, even if it is very funny. Unless, of course, this is a joke of your boss. And if you do not risk offending a person - for example, the whole company laughs. Then the absence of the "right" reaction from you will be imperceptible. After such training, you will notice that you will be much more successful in controlling your impulsive reactions. Moreover, not only the reaction of contented laughter (for example, at the funeral of your enemy), but also any other unnecessary, unwanted reaction and emotions - what will look like outwardly, as we have already found out, as confidence and calmness.

Good luck!

Dmitry Ustinov

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